The Reality of Caregiving: Between Love and Overwhelm

There are two types of people in the world: those who have been caregivers and those who think they know everything about caregiving.

The latter group? Oh, they’re the worst. They come armed with opinions, unsolicited advice, and an uncanny ability to make you feel like garbage—all while doing absolutely NOTHING to help.

“You just have to learn to…[insert the finish here]…”
Oh really, Susan? Then why don’t you come over and be with her 24 hours a day, seven days a week, answer the same question 30 times and have the same conversation every day. It’s not helpful, but to be honest, most are just offering their kind advice because they are concerned for you. I’ve snapped at friends when things are especially rough, and doing so just made me feel worse.

“You should really take better care of yourself.”
Gosh, thanks, Karen. I’ll be sure to schedule my spa day right between being with mom 24/7 and my mental breakdown. They don’t understand that you don’t have the same luxury of having moments to yourself. The minute you are available, your loved one needs something. Every time.

The problem with judgmental people is that they see caregiving as a sweet, noble duty [and I did to]—but they have NO IDEA what it actually entails. They picture us sitting by our loved one’s bedside, holding hands, and reminiscing about the good old days. They don’t picture the confusion, the doctor fights, the exhaustion, or the emotional whiplash of role reversal. They just don’t know. It’s a grace that you try to find and extend daily. The ones who understand truly come with offers of assistance that make a difference.

When Family Becomes the Worst Offenders

Sometimes the worst judgment doesn’t come from strangers—it comes from your own family.

• The sibling who never visits but has lots of opinions on how you should be doing things.
• The cousin who swoops in for a five-minute visit and suddenly becomes an expert on everything you’re “doing wrong.”
• The family member who whispers about your “lack of patience” while doing absolutely nothing to help.

It’s always the ones who aren’t in the trenches who have the most to say. Meanwhile, you—the one keeping everything from falling apart—are just trying to survive another day without snapping [and sometimes that is a superhuman effort – and honestly sometimes a complete fail]. Again, they don’t understand, because clearly if they had a clue, the conversation would be different. #facts

How to Respond Without Going to Jail

Since coming out of the corner with a “float like a butterfly and sting like a bee mentality,” here are some better responses that will save your relationships when the judgment train rolls in:

🔹 “I’d love for you to show me how it’s done! What day can you come help?”
🔹 “You’re absolutely right, this is hard. I’d appreciate any real support you can offer.”
🔹 “Thank you for your opinion. I’ll be sure to file it in my ‘Things I Didn’t Ask For’ folder.”
🔹 “Oh wow, you must have SO much experience caring for a person 24/7! What? You don’t?”

Use sparingly, because they are potent, and you have to decide whether dealing with their upset or letting them have their opinion is easier.

Caregiver Hack of the Week: The ‘Delegate & Ignore’ Technique

Tired of dealing with those who criticize but don’t contribute or manage from a distance?

Assign them a task.

• “Oh, you think she needs better meals? Great! What days are you cooking?”
• “You think she needs more outings? Perfect! You can take her out this Saturday.”
• “You think I need a break? Fantastic! Here’s a list of ways you can help – and I’ll be back in 6-8 weeks.”

Nine times out of ten, they’ll make excuses or be unavailable. Time to ignore them and move on. Complaining without contributing just doesn’t count.

The next time someone wants to judge you, remind yoursel

They don’t know. They don’t get it. And their opinion doesn’t pay the bills. You’ve shown up, you’re doing the best you can, and that’s what matters. Extending a little grace is free – besides if you lose it – they just think you’re crazy – or that you need therapy – and we probably do, but not for THAT reason.

Let them judge. If they are ever a caregiver, they will understand. Period. It’s an exclusive club. – and not everyone qualifies for membership. Now, you’ve got more important things to do—like keeping yourself and your loved one alive and thriving. Stay tuned for more tales from The Silver Haired Choo Choo.