You know that friend or family member who’s been deep in the trenches of caregiving? The one who always says, “I’m fine,” even when they look like they’ve been hit by a truck made of exhaustion and despair? Yeah, that one. Or maybe the just stare at you and then burst into tears. It’s usually one or the other.

So, if by some miracle a caregiver musters up the courage to actually ask for help, you better believe it’s serious. Because caregivers don’t ask lightly. We’d rather juggle flaming chainsaws while sleep-deprived than admit we can’t do it all. (When we are freely admitting we can’t do it, we are past burnout).

But here’s the kicker: when we finally do ask, the response we get can make or break us.

What NOT to Say When a Caregiver Asks for Help

Let’s start with the things that will earn you an exasperated sigh, an eye twitch, or possibly a mental list of people we’re cutting from the Christmas card rotation:

1. “Just let me know if you need anything.”
   • We just did. We’re asking. Right now. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, just offer something specific.
2. “I’d love to help, but I’m just so busy.”
   • Oh wow. Busy, you say? What a coincidence! We also have zero free time! Except we’re choosing between sleep and making sure our loved one doesn’t leave for places unknown.
3. “I don’t know how you do it. You’re amazing.”
   • This might sound nice, but it’s not helpful. We don’t want to be put on a pedestal—we want a nap – not a bumper sticker affirmation.
4. “Have you tried self-care?”
   • Oh, totally! Right after my loved one tucks me into bed, cooks me a homemade meal, and reminds me to take my meds. Oh wait… that’s not how this works.
5. (Silence.)
   • Look, we get it. Sometimes people don’t know what to say, so they say nothing. But nothing is worse than saying something dumb. (Okay, maybe not worse, but it’s close.)

What You CAN Do (Without Being a Jerk About It)

Alright, so now that we’ve covered the no-no’s, let’s talk about what actually helps. Spoiler alert: it’s not rocket science.

1. Don’t Ask—Just Do.

Instead of, “Do you need anything?” try, “I’m bringing over dinner. Any dietary restrictions?” See the difference? One puts the burden on us to figure it out; the other makes our lives easier.

2. Surprise Meals (AKA The Holy Grail of Help)

Caregivers barely have time to microwave a meal, let alone cook one. Show up with food, and you will be forever loved. Just no weird casseroles—we’re already struggling, we don’t need mystery ingredients.

3. Small Acts of Kindness Matter

• Take out the trash.
• Mow the lawn.
• Drop off coffee.
• Send a funny meme or an “I see you” text.
• Send a card for the caregiver?
• Ask how THEY are doing…a lot of times, we feel invisible.

Seriously, ANYTHING that lightens the load is appreciated.

4. Give the Gift of Time

Offer to sit with their loved one for a couple of hours so they can go breathe fresh air, get a haircut, or just exist outside of caregiving. Two hours of freedom is worth more than gold – especially when we don’t have to feel guilty about it.

5. Flowers are nice. (Because Who Doesn’t Love Flowers?)

They won’t solve our problems, but they sure make the kitchen table look less like a war zone. Not bouquets of roses…but just cheerful happy little things that let people know you see them.

6. Keep Showing Up

Caregiving isn’t a one-time crisis—it’s a marathon. Check in every once in while, not just when things hit the fan.

Caregiver Hack of the Week

Let someone help you interpret the silence.
You don’t have to be the only one trying to decode every gesture, glance, or half-spoken word. Bring in a fresh set of eyes—a family member, friend, or even a visiting nurse. Sometimes they’ll notice patterns you’ve missed, especially when you’re running on fumes. Asking for help isn’t weakness—it’s wisdom, and it creates space for better care… for both of you.

Final Thought: It’s Not About Grand Gestures

Caregivers don’t need superhero rescues; we need small, consistent acts of kindness. So if you’re wondering what to do, just do something—because even the tiniest effort means the world. I promise you it’s noticed and never forgotten.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go reassure someone (again) that the TV remote is not, in fact, plotting against them. It’s just another day on the tracks of the Silver Haired Choo Choo.