I’ve talked with so many of you that are caring for a loved one – and especially for parents – and every one of us feels guilt.

The guilt is everywhere.

You feel it when you lose your temper.
You feel it when you want a break. You feel it when you want to make plans for a weekend away – and can’t. You feel it when you leave the house for two hours and come home to 47 missed calls from your own brain asking: Did I leave the stove on? Did I lock the door? Did she fall? What if she does?

You feel it when people comment:
“You’re so lucky to spend so much time with your mom – she’s so lucky to have you.” And you bite your tongue to keep from saying, “Actually, it’s lonely and exhausting, I feel resentful sometimes – and I’m drowning.” Honestly, my mom is lovely, and it’s still too much.

Where Does the Guilt Come From?

For many caregivers, especially those caring for a parent, the guilt often stems from:

• A role reversal that feels unnatural.
  You’re suddenly the decision-maker for the person who used to make all the decisions. That’s not easy.
• Feeling responsible for their happiness and well-being.
  Even when it’s out of your hands. Even when it’s not fixable. Even when they seem unaccountable for their own actions.
• The belief that you’re supposed to do this perfectly.
  Spoiler alert: You can’t. And, you won’t.
• Comparison to siblings or outsiders who think they know better.
  They often show up late or not at all—but still manage to deliver advice wrapped in judgment. Until they live it, they don’t get it. Period. Don’t let them fool you. Most couldn’t survive two weeks being a full time caregiver.

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The Double Life of Guilt

You’re constantly trying to make the right decisions for their care—but also carry the guilt for every nap you take, every door you shut for five minutes of silence, or every appointment you cancel for your own health.

You may even feel guilt when you don’t feel guilt.
That’s the loop. That’s the trap.

But here’s the truth: guilt comes with caregiving, not because you’re doing something wrong, but because you’re doing so much right that it’s humanly impossible to do it all. And, to be brutally honest, we are dealing with people that are incapable of making good decisions for themselves. They are vulnerable, and they need us. But we can only do what we can do.

Why Do We Feel It?

We feel guilty because we care.
We feel guilty because we can’t fix it.
We feel guilty because we’ve been conditioned to think self-sacrifice means perfection.

And when you’re a child taking care of your parent, that guilt takes on a whole new dimension. The role reversal is just so flipping tough. You’re still their kid—while being their medical advocate, their nurse, their cook, their everything. You’re constantly flipping back and forth and none of them feel right.

You might feel like you’re failing at all of them. But you’re not. Don’t ignore it though, actively combat it.

The Dangerous Weight of Guilt

This isn’t just emotional fluff. According to the Family Caregiver Alliance, 40–70% of caregivers show clinically significant symptoms of depression, with 25–50% of those meeting the diagnostic criteria for major depression. It’s for real, and it’s not good.

You’re not just “being dramatic.”
This isn’t “just stress.”
It’s a crisis. And it’s time we said it out loud.

How Do We Deal With It?

1. Say it out loud.
   Guilt thrives in silence. Speak it. Write it. Name it.
2. Accept that caregiving is imperfect.
   You will mess up. That doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human.
3. Make peace with the “good enough.”
   You’re doing the best you can with the resources you have. And sometimes “okay” is more than enough.
4. Reclaim boundaries.
   Guilt can’t live where truth and boundaries are welcome. Let yourself rest. Let yourself be angry. Let yourself be.
5. Find someone who gets it.
   No one will ever shame you for this kind of honesty if they’ve been in your shoes. Other caregivers are your safest place.

You Are Not Alone in This Fight

You might feel alone. But you aren’t.
Every caregiver I’ve ever met wrestles with guilt—every single one.

We must start talking honestly and vulnerably. This is not a time for bumper-sticker encouragement. If someone throws “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” at you, smile politely and walk away. (Or hand them a bedpan and tell them to prove it.)

Because here’s the deal:
God didn’t design you to carry this alone.
He gave you community. And in this space, among those who get it, we tell the truth.
We are tired.
We are overwhelmed.
We are broken open and filled up again every single day.

But we are also faithful. And funny. And fierce.
And we are still standing.

So today, write something down. Call a friend. Let someone in.
Because this guilt? It’s not your truth. It’s just noise trying to distract you from how deeply you love.

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Caregiver Hack of the Week: The “Guilt Journal” (With a Twist)

When guilt creeps in — and it will — write it down. Start a “Guilt Journal,” but not the kind that shames you. Instead, try this:

• What triggered the guilt?
• What would I tell a friend if they felt this? (this is GOLD – use it)
• One truth I know about myself as a caregiver today:

This isn’t about venting. It’s about reframing. It will move you from self-blame to self-compassion — because you deserve it.

Don’t like journaling? Open your phone and hit record. Talk it out. Listen back to your own wisdom. You’ll be amazed how much grace you already carry. Tech or traditional – get it out. (And, as you’ve read in some of my prior blogs – a great therapist is a gold mine!) Think of it as a day at the spa for your brain.

A Final Thought

You’re not doing this wrong because you feel guilt. You’re doing this right because you care enough to even feel it. Read that again!

You love deeply. You carry more than most. You have a right to feel everything you’re feeling without shame.

So today, let the guilt go—even if only for an hour. Give yourself the grace you so freely give to the one you’re caring for.

You’re doing enough.
You’re loving enough.
You are enough.