Settle in. This one is a little long because I’m feeling a little preachy!

Disclaimer for those that think every post is about my mom. I am not putting Joycie Ellen in a home. That said, I am standing up and advocating for those that have to make an impossible choice. This week Bruce Willis’s wife and family are on my heart, and I’ve read the comments, the divisive vitriol and the opinions.

Let me start here: If you have never been a caregiver – sit down. You’re opinion literally doesn’t count – because you do NOT know the struggle, and don’t really understand the different types of dementia and the behaviors they can cause. If you do and you’ve not been a caregiver, you’re a unicorn.

There’s a train I never want to ride, and it’s called the Guilt Express. Sometimes it’s unavoidable in the caregiving world with the decisions that have to be made. It comes with a one-way ticket to “I should have done more” and “What if I’d just tried harder?” If you’re a caregiver or spouse or child facing the gut-wrenching decision to place a loved one in a nursing home or memory care facility, you’ve probably felt like the conductor of that train.

Let me share this:

My dad was 92 when we had to make that call. He kept falling. He wasn’t safe, and my mom—who was 87 at the time—couldn’t physically get him up anymore. She loved him with every fiber of her being, and that decision broke her heart – and it still does.

But his doctor said what we knew deep down: It was time.
Time to prioritize his safety, his comfort, and her well-being, too. And even though it was the right call, it still haunts her. Because the myth persists that “putting someone in a home” means you’re abandoning them. Let’s be clear: sometimes it’s the greatest act of love you can give.

The Truth No One Says Out Loud

No one talks about how exhausting caregiving can be. No one tells you how dangerous it becomes when you’re sleep-deprived, physically depleted, and emotionally worn out. No one tells you that keeping someone at home at all costs can sometimes cost both of you more than it should. No one talks about how dangerous it can become if a loved one becomes violent because of a disease.

There comes a point where love doesn’t look like “doing it all yourself.” It looks like making sure your loved one is safe, supported, and surrounded by people who can meet their needs—even if that’s not under your own roof.

It’s okay to grieve that. It’s okay to cry. And it’s more than okay to feel relief once they’re in a place where they’re being cared for around the clock. Relief doesn’t equal regret. It means you’re human. Yes, that makes me cry, too.

Making a New Home Feel Like Home

Just because they’re in a facility doesn’t mean you stop showing up.
You are still their person. You are still their anchor. You are still the one who knows how to turn a plain room into a familiar, sacred space.

1. Bring pieces of their past with them.

Framed photos, a favorite pillow, their go-to coffee mug, or a small quilt can do wonders. These tangible items help preserve a sense of identity.

2. Create a “comfort kit.”

Include things like a familiar lotion, soft socks, their favorite snacks, a prayer book, crossword puzzles, or music from their younger days. Make it personal.

3. Visit with intention.

Even short visits matter. Bring stories. Play a game. Sing a song. Simply sit and hold their hand. Presence, not length, is what counts.

4. Get involved in care planning.

Be their advocate. Ask questions. Share insights that staff might not know. Your involvement helps bridge the gap between clinical care and heartfelt care.

5. Celebrate milestones, even small ones.

Bring cupcakes for their birthday. Decorate their door for holidays. Hang a card that says “You are loved.” Let them feel special and seen—always.

Final Thought

Placing someone you love in a nursing home is not a betrayal.
It’s not weakness. It’s not failure. Sometimes, it’s the kindest, strongest, most selfless decision you can make.

And before you judge someone for making the heart-wrenching decision to place their loved one in a facility—don’t. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Sometimes it’s not just about burnout or exhaustion (though those are real, too). Sometimes the person we love most in the world becomes aggressive, confused, or even violent—and the home is no longer safe for them or anyone else. That doesn’t mean we love them any less. It means we love them enough to get them the care they need. These decisions don’t come easy. They come with sleepless nights, tears in the shower, and more guilt than anyone should ever have to carry. But sometimes, keeping someone at home is no longer compassionate—it’s dangerous.

If you’re facing this choice, please know you are not a failure. You are human. And doing what’s best doesn’t always look like what you hoped for. Give yourself the grace you would extend to anyone else walking this impossibly hard road. Give your loved one the care they deserve, even when it breaks your heart a little to do it. There is a whole world of us out here loving and supporting you – starting with me.

See you next week. Choo choo!!!